28 December 2015
December Daily Journal 28
If everything goes according to plan, this time tomorrow I'll be at my girlfriend's apartment in the Twin Cities. I don't know whether I'll be posting tomorrow night or very much through the duration of my stay. We don't get to spend much time together.
24 December 2015
December Daily Journal 24
So we finally got the Christmas tree put up today. Also attended two church services. Second one was distastefully political, so I hope my parents don't choose to go there. Hopefully Mom and Dad will lay off a bit tomorrow.
All I want to do right now is play KSP. I had a sudden bout of ideas for building a base last night just before bed.
All I want to do right now is play KSP. I had a sudden bout of ideas for building a base last night just before bed.
23 December 2015
Three Years and A Hundred Posts
It's been almost three years since I began this blog, and tonight I'm publishing this, my 100th post here. I'd hoped to do something special for this, but alas my life has not changed substantially since yesterday. I'm still at my parents' house, sleeping at strange hours and wishing I knew what the hell they had planned for the day so at least I could plan around it. As it is, I'm spending a lot of day wasting my time with online prolefeed which is meaningless, but which can be interrupted with little or no cost.
Now obviously I should be more appreciative of my loving parents and help them with their endless stream of unsolvable problems. But it doesn't work like that. And after taking Diff EQ, I know that cleaning a house definitely doesn't work like that.
So let's talk about projects. And let's talk about growing up.
Last night, I watched a video by Derek Muller talking about the concept of Self Efficacy. He does a good job explaining it and undoubtedly knows more about it than me, but basically self efficacy has to do with your belief that you can accomplish a thing. This is usually collapsed under self-esteem, but separating the two concepts gives a clearer picture of both of them.
One point that Derek makes in the video is that people frequently pursue the careers their parents or older friends pursue, not necessarily because of connections or inherent ability (though those certainly contribute), but also because they see it being done and realize that it's something which they can do, too. Theoretically physics doesn't seem impossible if your parents are theoretical physicists, genetic engineering doesn't seem impossible if your parents are bioscientists, and becoming a stage actor doesn't seem an impossible dream if your parents are on Broadway. You see people going through the various tasks of that career, doing that various things that need to be done, and earning a living.
My parents were government employees, doing the sort of boring jobs necessary to keep the federal bureaucracy running smoothly. I can only describe abstractly what my Dad does for a living. Even after her retirement, I can only gesture and point at some of the things Mom was doing at work. It's not that they're classified or anything--it's just technical paper-pushing that is meaningless without an enormous amount of background knowledge.
That's what I was raised around. The very definition of bland, stable office jobs. They're both French majors, too.
Now, I have friends who are engineering students and the like, but I have to wonder if this relative distance is a contributing factor to my past academic struggles. (I still haven't checked my grades from this semester; there's a decent chance they're still continuing.) Note that my parents were the closest people to me, intellectually, conversationally, etc until last year, and remain in the top five in most categories through today. I don't have a whole lot of role models for academic and social success in engineering that are in at all the same niche as me. I'm making this up as I go along are honestly amn't confident I can do it.
There's projects I want to pursue. I want to clean my room, permanently. I want to design an interplanetary mission in Kerbal Space Program. I want to learn some programming skills that aren't married to Matlab. I want to get good grades. I want to write quality blog posts. I want to read more books. But I'm not particularly confident in my ability to do any of them, in large part because they depend on lots of things outside my control. Specifically, I need time. And time is the one thing my parents adamantly refuse to give me.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. We'll be trying to cram our tree into the living room and attending not one but two different church services, and I would honestly be surprised if television isn't watched. There will not be time to do my own projects, which is the actual dream I have for holidays. I spend the whole year with my time use dictated by someone else. I just want a few glorious weeks when I'm left to my own devices.
I haven't had a term off school since summer of 2013, I'll remind you. Winter break is the best thing I get. Why not let me enjoy myself for a few goddamn weeks? Why am I stuck trying and failing to recreate the Christmases of Dad's youth? It's okay to try that, I suppose, but why do I have to work so hard to recreate something I never experienced? I'd like to have Christmases of my own for a change.
There's more going on here, of course. The generational differences are quite significant. For one thing, television was the epitome of recreation when they were growing up. For me, it's not. I enjoy certain shows, but it's not a fundamentally enjoyable activity for me. I'd rather play a board game or just enjoy one another's company while doing our own things, but that's not allowed, apparently. I have to sit and watch whatever goddamn movie or show they want to force upon me, when I would rather do something other than sit uncomfortably on the couch while experiencing no agency.
Agency is the main difference here, I think. As adults with jobs and all that, my parents exercise a certain degree of agency on a daily basis. I don't exercise nearly as much because I'm either a college student, a retail drone, or a 21-year-old living with my parents. Watching television with my parents only enforces that feeling of no control. Getting upset at me when I don't want to watch reruns of a show that aired when one could count your age in a single digit does not help the matter.
Scott Alexander said, in 2008, that he didn't blame his parents for the sensation of being stifled. But I've tried to explain this to them, and they apparently don't understand or don't care, so to some extend I do blame them. I keep trying to help them hack my behavior and they keep doing things the hard way. It's doubly frustrating to know why I'm reacting a certain way, and knowing how we all could mitigate these animosities entirely if you would just fucking cooperate. But I suppose that's what they say about me, too.
This really hasn't been terribly coherent, but that's the story of this blog. As mentioned previously, starting next year I will attempt to do longer, more serious posts at another blog, located here. There's nothing there now, but future readers are welcome to peruse it. I'll keep you updated as we get closer to New Year's Eve.
I don't know if I'll be writing a post tomorrow night, but I will try.
Now obviously I should be more appreciative of my loving parents and help them with their endless stream of unsolvable problems. But it doesn't work like that. And after taking Diff EQ, I know that cleaning a house definitely doesn't work like that.
So let's talk about projects. And let's talk about growing up.
Last night, I watched a video by Derek Muller talking about the concept of Self Efficacy. He does a good job explaining it and undoubtedly knows more about it than me, but basically self efficacy has to do with your belief that you can accomplish a thing. This is usually collapsed under self-esteem, but separating the two concepts gives a clearer picture of both of them.
One point that Derek makes in the video is that people frequently pursue the careers their parents or older friends pursue, not necessarily because of connections or inherent ability (though those certainly contribute), but also because they see it being done and realize that it's something which they can do, too. Theoretically physics doesn't seem impossible if your parents are theoretical physicists, genetic engineering doesn't seem impossible if your parents are bioscientists, and becoming a stage actor doesn't seem an impossible dream if your parents are on Broadway. You see people going through the various tasks of that career, doing that various things that need to be done, and earning a living.
My parents were government employees, doing the sort of boring jobs necessary to keep the federal bureaucracy running smoothly. I can only describe abstractly what my Dad does for a living. Even after her retirement, I can only gesture and point at some of the things Mom was doing at work. It's not that they're classified or anything--it's just technical paper-pushing that is meaningless without an enormous amount of background knowledge.
That's what I was raised around. The very definition of bland, stable office jobs. They're both French majors, too.
Now, I have friends who are engineering students and the like, but I have to wonder if this relative distance is a contributing factor to my past academic struggles. (I still haven't checked my grades from this semester; there's a decent chance they're still continuing.) Note that my parents were the closest people to me, intellectually, conversationally, etc until last year, and remain in the top five in most categories through today. I don't have a whole lot of role models for academic and social success in engineering that are in at all the same niche as me. I'm making this up as I go along are honestly amn't confident I can do it.
There's projects I want to pursue. I want to clean my room, permanently. I want to design an interplanetary mission in Kerbal Space Program. I want to learn some programming skills that aren't married to Matlab. I want to get good grades. I want to write quality blog posts. I want to read more books. But I'm not particularly confident in my ability to do any of them, in large part because they depend on lots of things outside my control. Specifically, I need time. And time is the one thing my parents adamantly refuse to give me.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. We'll be trying to cram our tree into the living room and attending not one but two different church services, and I would honestly be surprised if television isn't watched. There will not be time to do my own projects, which is the actual dream I have for holidays. I spend the whole year with my time use dictated by someone else. I just want a few glorious weeks when I'm left to my own devices.
I haven't had a term off school since summer of 2013, I'll remind you. Winter break is the best thing I get. Why not let me enjoy myself for a few goddamn weeks? Why am I stuck trying and failing to recreate the Christmases of Dad's youth? It's okay to try that, I suppose, but why do I have to work so hard to recreate something I never experienced? I'd like to have Christmases of my own for a change.
There's more going on here, of course. The generational differences are quite significant. For one thing, television was the epitome of recreation when they were growing up. For me, it's not. I enjoy certain shows, but it's not a fundamentally enjoyable activity for me. I'd rather play a board game or just enjoy one another's company while doing our own things, but that's not allowed, apparently. I have to sit and watch whatever goddamn movie or show they want to force upon me, when I would rather do something other than sit uncomfortably on the couch while experiencing no agency.
Agency is the main difference here, I think. As adults with jobs and all that, my parents exercise a certain degree of agency on a daily basis. I don't exercise nearly as much because I'm either a college student, a retail drone, or a 21-year-old living with my parents. Watching television with my parents only enforces that feeling of no control. Getting upset at me when I don't want to watch reruns of a show that aired when one could count your age in a single digit does not help the matter.
Scott Alexander said, in 2008, that he didn't blame his parents for the sensation of being stifled. But I've tried to explain this to them, and they apparently don't understand or don't care, so to some extend I do blame them. I keep trying to help them hack my behavior and they keep doing things the hard way. It's doubly frustrating to know why I'm reacting a certain way, and knowing how we all could mitigate these animosities entirely if you would just fucking cooperate. But I suppose that's what they say about me, too.
This really hasn't been terribly coherent, but that's the story of this blog. As mentioned previously, starting next year I will attempt to do longer, more serious posts at another blog, located here. There's nothing there now, but future readers are welcome to peruse it. I'll keep you updated as we get closer to New Year's Eve.
I don't know if I'll be writing a post tomorrow night, but I will try.
22 December 2015
December Daily Journal 22
Got up in the morning, found out Scott Manley added a new Realism Overhaul video without telling anyone, went over to a friend's house to play board games, went grocery shopping with my Mom, came home to overall chaos as Dad embarks on his Sisyphean project of making room for a Christmas Tree (because what are priorities?), went to an uninspired fast food dinner, came back to watch an old episode of Doctor Who and a two-hour documentary on Scientology. Not my ideal day and a lot of different things happened, though I am approaching the level of willpower and patience required to live with my parents.
21 December 2015
Solstice and Nihilism
I fell and scraped my back today, so that's probably affecting my mood along with everything else. Additionally, telephones are the least efficient means of communication in mass use and it horrifies me that they're still considered the default.
So immediately after my fall, we piled (painfully) into the family car and drove to a different outlet of the same protestantoid church that my parents belong to for a hilariously small Solstice congregation. The service was predictably uninspired, just your usual trust-in-God stuff which I'd forgotten within five minutes of leaving because SpaceX was literally landing a rocket on its tail at that very moment.
Then we ate dinner and went home to finish watching the Childhood's End miniseries. And without giving anything away, I finished feeling an overwhelming sense of nihilism, that all of man's joy and suffering, all our trial and triumph, are so easily forgotten, so fleeting, so quick to pass into the infinite vacuum. That our existence is entirely temporary and, for centuries to come, we'll continue at the whim of probability.
A few of us are working on it. Tonight's launch and landing was a tremendous feat in our conquest of the solar system. And that accomplishment is entirely our own.
So immediately after my fall, we piled (painfully) into the family car and drove to a different outlet of the same protestantoid church that my parents belong to for a hilariously small Solstice congregation. The service was predictably uninspired, just your usual trust-in-God stuff which I'd forgotten within five minutes of leaving because SpaceX was literally landing a rocket on its tail at that very moment.
Then we ate dinner and went home to finish watching the Childhood's End miniseries. And without giving anything away, I finished feeling an overwhelming sense of nihilism, that all of man's joy and suffering, all our trial and triumph, are so easily forgotten, so fleeting, so quick to pass into the infinite vacuum. That our existence is entirely temporary and, for centuries to come, we'll continue at the whim of probability.
A few of us are working on it. Tonight's launch and landing was a tremendous feat in our conquest of the solar system. And that accomplishment is entirely our own.
20 December 2015
December Daily Journal 20
The day began about seven a.m., with Dad waking me up to ask if I was going to church. I told him no and was barely waking up by the time they got back.
Today we added more lights to the house, and prepared the Christmas cards. Mom made them, but we had to address the envelops, fold the letter that goes inside, and stuff them. Personally I find it a lot of work so we can tell people I barely know all about our lives. Then again, Dad doesn't use his Facebook so I suppose he has to exercise his vanity somehow.
Then we piled into the car to buy more lights at the hardware store ( w h y ), mail the cards, and use a coupon. Because that's totally how thrift works. And you wonder why our house is packed. On the plus side I got them to buy me books I wanted, which is an independent goal but if I can exploit Christmas to make it happen so be it. Knowledge is a higher value than tradition.
On the subject of values, we spent the evening watching television because of course we did. Watching television seems to be a terminal goal of Mom and Dad's, but it's not one of mine. Sitting in front of the TV is not a fundamentally enjoyable experience for me, so their constant insistence that I devote several solid hours to it every day that I'm at home is less than appreciated.
I suspect the issue here is agency. Watching television is not an agenty experience. You watch characters who aren't terribly likable make bad decisions for an hour. Then you watch the next episode. While I enjoy certain programs, the experience does not generalize for me, not the way that, say, reading does, or YouTube. In both cases, I have greater control over the subject matter (I have little say in what ends up on the perpetually-full TiVo), and at all times I have the option to stop and do something else.
At this point in my life, I have extremely little agency, considerably less than my parents. I can understand why they might enjoy watching someone else do stupid things. I, on the other hand, spend enough time struggling against other people's bad decisions which I can't control in my day to day life, without injecting it into my consciousness. If I were to make a family activity of it, board games would be a much more enjoyable option. (It also allows for conversation, which watching television does not.) But our tables are all to messy for that.
Speaking of which, I wonder if anyone ever picked up the avalanche of papers that happened during our television watching session. I already did it once today; it's someone else's turn.
Today we added more lights to the house, and prepared the Christmas cards. Mom made them, but we had to address the envelops, fold the letter that goes inside, and stuff them. Personally I find it a lot of work so we can tell people I barely know all about our lives. Then again, Dad doesn't use his Facebook so I suppose he has to exercise his vanity somehow.
Then we piled into the car to buy more lights at the hardware store ( w h y ), mail the cards, and use a coupon. Because that's totally how thrift works. And you wonder why our house is packed. On the plus side I got them to buy me books I wanted, which is an independent goal but if I can exploit Christmas to make it happen so be it. Knowledge is a higher value than tradition.
On the subject of values, we spent the evening watching television because of course we did. Watching television seems to be a terminal goal of Mom and Dad's, but it's not one of mine. Sitting in front of the TV is not a fundamentally enjoyable experience for me, so their constant insistence that I devote several solid hours to it every day that I'm at home is less than appreciated.
I suspect the issue here is agency. Watching television is not an agenty experience. You watch characters who aren't terribly likable make bad decisions for an hour. Then you watch the next episode. While I enjoy certain programs, the experience does not generalize for me, not the way that, say, reading does, or YouTube. In both cases, I have greater control over the subject matter (I have little say in what ends up on the perpetually-full TiVo), and at all times I have the option to stop and do something else.
At this point in my life, I have extremely little agency, considerably less than my parents. I can understand why they might enjoy watching someone else do stupid things. I, on the other hand, spend enough time struggling against other people's bad decisions which I can't control in my day to day life, without injecting it into my consciousness. If I were to make a family activity of it, board games would be a much more enjoyable option. (It also allows for conversation, which watching television does not.) But our tables are all to messy for that.
Speaking of which, I wonder if anyone ever picked up the avalanche of papers that happened during our television watching session. I already did it once today; it's someone else's turn.
December Daily Journal 19
Midnight still creeps up on me, especially since my parents would have me monopolized till nearly that hour if they had their way. I think quite a few of the problems in their lives can be attributed to an inability to say "no". "No" to new things, "no" to new obligations, "no" to new television shows. I keep telling them the problem is inputs, not outputs, but they continue to focus on trying to get rid of things while adding to the pile faster and faster.
It's annoying, to say the least. Doesn't make getting around the house any easier, either.
Speaking of the house, we put up some lights today. Fortunately it didn't take very long, but there will be more later. It's all about keeping up appearances, reality be damned. It doesn't matter what labels other people put on their map of you, because that doesn't affect the underlying reality.
I wonder what they'll get up to tomorrow.
It's annoying, to say the least. Doesn't make getting around the house any easier, either.
Speaking of the house, we put up some lights today. Fortunately it didn't take very long, but there will be more later. It's all about keeping up appearances, reality be damned. It doesn't matter what labels other people put on their map of you, because that doesn't affect the underlying reality.
I wonder what they'll get up to tomorrow.
18 December 2015
December Daily Journal 18
Final presentation for Aerospace went pretty well. Computing final went extremely well, when compared to the midterm and most of the quizzes. I finished with a few minutes to spare, with confident answers for all the questions. We'll see if that confidence was warranted at some point down the road.
Then I came back, ate dinner, packed my things, and drove home. Then I was asked to take my parents' library books to the drop off. Then the interrogation happened, and at last I'm getting some much-needed relaxation and alone time. Tomorrow is an off day, provided parental cooperation.
My right foot hurts and I'm craving chocolate. Hopefully both will go away soon.
Then I came back, ate dinner, packed my things, and drove home. Then I was asked to take my parents' library books to the drop off. Then the interrogation happened, and at last I'm getting some much-needed relaxation and alone time. Tomorrow is an off day, provided parental cooperation.
My right foot hurts and I'm craving chocolate. Hopefully both will go away soon.
17 December 2015
December Daily Journal 17
This time tomorrow I'll be home, with some chance of organizing my thoughts decently. Between now and then, I need to sleep (good luck), give my part of a presentation, and take a Computing exam. I just want to be done.
16 December 2015
December Daily Journal 16
Did I really used to get up at 6 a.m. seven days a week? My memory says I did but it's hard to believe. When I can back from my exam this morning (which took about 45 minutes), I collapsed and slept off an on again until noon. I wasn't up late last night, either.
I did finish studying for Astronomy in the afternoon, but sorta burnt out by evening. I hope I'm ready. Once that exam is over, it's just Computing and practice for the Aerospace presentation.
Forty-eight hours from now I'll be home and away from this godawful place.
I did finish studying for Astronomy in the afternoon, but sorta burnt out by evening. I hope I'm ready. Once that exam is over, it's just Computing and practice for the Aerospace presentation.
Forty-eight hours from now I'll be home and away from this godawful place.
15 December 2015
December Daily Journal 15
I actually managed to study a significant portion of the day. Not perfectly and honestly I've got to stop trying to work in my room with the noisy suitemates just across the bathroom, but using the pomodoro technique was an initial success. Now we see if it holds up.
My first final is in the morning. Be there bright and early at 7:30. However, I've done the numbers and so long as I get above 45% my grade will be a B or higher. If only my other professors had their act sufficiently together to post usable grading information. (Well, I know my grade in Computing was crap, but I'm guessing it'll be curved crap regardless.)
After the exam, I'll come back to get lunch, gather up some supplies, and head over to the library to finish prepping for Astronomy. If I have some time left over, I can do practice problems for Computing or (more likely) play a bit of KSP in the evening. Unfortunately I have to come back here for dinner. Unless by some miracle I rise early enough to catch breakfast before the exam, in which case I'll pack a dinner and have some soup when I get back before bedtime.
Winter break cannot come soon enough.
My first final is in the morning. Be there bright and early at 7:30. However, I've done the numbers and so long as I get above 45% my grade will be a B or higher. If only my other professors had their act sufficiently together to post usable grading information. (Well, I know my grade in Computing was crap, but I'm guessing it'll be curved crap regardless.)
After the exam, I'll come back to get lunch, gather up some supplies, and head over to the library to finish prepping for Astronomy. If I have some time left over, I can do practice problems for Computing or (more likely) play a bit of KSP in the evening. Unfortunately I have to come back here for dinner. Unless by some miracle I rise early enough to catch breakfast before the exam, in which case I'll pack a dinner and have some soup when I get back before bedtime.
Winter break cannot come soon enough.
14 December 2015
13 December 2015
Catching Up
Maintaining a regular journal during this time of year is more difficult than expected. I am slowly coming to accept that engineering students will always be fighting to balance time between end-of-semester projects and studying for their exams.
So what have I been doing during my unplanned hiatus?
Wednesday, I went to the end-of-semester party for SEDS, getting back only shortly before midnight.
Thursday, we test flew our plane.
Friday was spent writing an astronomy paper due on Thursday.
Saturday morning I finished said paper and spent the rest of the day vegging out.
And today, I attempted to make some progress on my section of the report. Assigning the avionics section to the person who knows Jack Schitt about electronics was probably a mistake, however.
Switching topics, my post-New-Year plan for this blog is slowly emerging. My intention is to resume making Sunday Night posts, for the purpose of conducting a sort of weekly review, and planning for the week to come.
So what have I been doing during my unplanned hiatus?
Wednesday, I went to the end-of-semester party for SEDS, getting back only shortly before midnight.
Thursday, we test flew our plane.
Friday was spent writing an astronomy paper due on Thursday.
Saturday morning I finished said paper and spent the rest of the day vegging out.
And today, I attempted to make some progress on my section of the report. Assigning the avionics section to the person who knows Jack Schitt about electronics was probably a mistake, however.
Switching topics, my post-New-Year plan for this blog is slowly emerging. My intention is to resume making Sunday Night posts, for the purpose of conducting a sort of weekly review, and planning for the week to come.
08 December 2015
December Daily Journal 8
I guess I'm doing these by date, since I missed yesterday's. That was entirely just me forgetting. I almost forgot again tonight.
Been in a bit of a procrastination rut, but I think I've hacked my way around it. I'll let you know tomorrow if that endures.
Been in a bit of a procrastination rut, but I think I've hacked my way around it. I'll let you know tomorrow if that endures.
06 December 2015
December Daily Journal 6
I once joked that the biggest enemies to my success in college are my brain, body, classmates and professors. Three years later this is still pretty much the case. My head hurt most of the day, my brain didn't want to do anything productive, it was noisy all day, and the assignments, well, they're better than what I got at Purdue but not exactly inspired.
I did manage to get some coding in, despite everything. Tomorrow will still be busy but I am making some small progress towards overcoming my learned helplessness.
Complete aside: it's interesting how the lines on my screen affect my perception of space within a webpage. I should do a post on that sometime.
I did manage to get some coding in, despite everything. Tomorrow will still be busy but I am making some small progress towards overcoming my learned helplessness.
Complete aside: it's interesting how the lines on my screen affect my perception of space within a webpage. I should do a post on that sometime.
05 December 2015
December Daily Journal 5
Not a very productive day. This last week really took it out of me, so I consigned myself pretty early to relaxing. I did laundry, called my grandfather, and performed my first planetary flyby in Kerbal Space Program. That's honestly about it.
Tomorrow's agenda is to get up at a reasonable hour, work on the Computing assignment and do research for astrobiology, hopefully to the point of outlining, and start putting together some things for the aerospace report.
Tomorrow's agenda is to get up at a reasonable hour, work on the Computing assignment and do research for astrobiology, hopefully to the point of outlining, and start putting together some things for the aerospace report.
04 December 2015
December Daily Journal 4
Why does midnight arrive so early every night? I almost missed it because my brain thinks it's still relatively early.
Mostly met my goals for the day, with an unexpected stint out at the design lab on west campus. Jeremy and I concluded that there's basically nothing we can do about the elevator travel on the plane, at least without risking serious damage. At this late date we're too risk adverse to try any of our ideas. Flight date is next Tuesday.
Not tired (the melatonin is working!), but over my gregarious quota for the day. Spent the better part of an hour talking to a classmate after Russian Movie Night, and I was originally planning to spend my midday break alone. Should be able to retreat to the library tomorrow--there's a lot of writing to do.
Speaking of writing, Scott Alexander is on the shortlist for an award I've never heard of. I've only read one of the other essays on the list, so I can't say for myself he deserve to win, but it's always nice to see people you like getting public recognition.
Mostly met my goals for the day, with an unexpected stint out at the design lab on west campus. Jeremy and I concluded that there's basically nothing we can do about the elevator travel on the plane, at least without risking serious damage. At this late date we're too risk adverse to try any of our ideas. Flight date is next Tuesday.
Not tired (the melatonin is working!), but over my gregarious quota for the day. Spent the better part of an hour talking to a classmate after Russian Movie Night, and I was originally planning to spend my midday break alone. Should be able to retreat to the library tomorrow--there's a lot of writing to do.
Speaking of writing, Scott Alexander is on the shortlist for an award I've never heard of. I've only read one of the other essays on the list, so I can't say for myself he deserve to win, but it's always nice to see people you like getting public recognition.
03 December 2015
December Daily Journal 3
I have a lot of thoughts swirling around (as usual), and I'm not going to write about them (as usual). Instead, we're going to talk about what's on my mind right this second (as usual).
It's introspection, though, so that's good.
Lately I've been procrastinating a lot. This isn't all that unusual--I'm not as proactive as I'd like to be. But I've also been procrastinating things I want to do. That category included some things I should do, which only makes the situation more distressing.
I don't know what to do about this, aside from just precommitting to recreation. Which isn't the worst idea. In fact, making basic schedules might be a good plan for myself, so here's one for tomorrow.
Get up
Go to Russian Culture class
Go to Astrobiology
Gotto computing office hours
Have lunch
Screw around on the internet
Go to Computing
Play Kerbal Space Program for an hour or so
Have dinner
Go to Russian Movie Night
Come home, mess around on the Internet
I'd like to fit laundry in there, but I really do need to start going to bed at a reasonable hour, weekend or no. Speaking of which, I should really be heading that way.
02 December 2015
December Daily Journal 2
Got more sleep but I still feel like crap. May be getting sick. We'll see.
I feel overstimulated and it's difficult to focus. This happens to be quite a bit, I now realize, usually at least every few weeks. I think cutting down on my internet media consumption would help but that's quite difficult for obvious reasons. Perhaps I should set up an extension that prevents quick page loading a la this. Normally I would suggest that's outside my range of possibilities (at present, it is), but I did finally make it back to Codecademy yesterday, so perhaps not. Wait and see.
Actually, that relates to another issue I've been thinking about. Two conflicting themes I see in the rationalist movement are constraining your anticipation (in particular taming one's optimism) and overcoming learned helplessness. It seems to me that those goals are at odds, at least partially.
Suppose I wish to accomplish a task. It doesn't really matter what, but for purposes of this example imagine one that is relatively difficult but not necessarily impossible. If I believe myself capable of completing it easily, I can become quite bogged down from my optimism. On the other hand, if I believe myself insufficiently capable of completing it--doing so would be too time consuming, painful, or challenging--then my pessimism will prevent me from finishing.
Optimism/pessimism is an oversimplistic way of looking at this situation. First, there's serious psychological phenomena causing each. Second, optimism and pessimism are usually attitudes, while here they stand as a placeholder for beliefs. The difference is significant, though one might expect optimistic attitudes to accompany overconfident beliefs, and the converse.
I think I'm supposed to say something about calibration here. I have this post bookmarked but haven't done much with it. Maybe I'll try incorporating that into a habit-a-week project for 2016. Something else to do over winter break....--Wrong! Start making a list now, Nathaniel! brb making a google doc.
Okay, that didn't take very long. I'll add to it as ideas come along. If 52 unique ideas is too much...oh well. Something is better than nothing.
Another, related project I'd like to try at some point: quarterly life reviews. CGP Grey had some comments in one of his podcasts (I think it was the first Hello Internet of 2015, though I'll have to go back and check at some point). Perhaps even monthly reviews are in order--but that might be excessive. I'll do some more research (when, Nathaniel?) and develop an introspection routine to start in the new year. Writing in my diary daily is insufficiently rigorous (and frequently gets skipped because I'm lazy). Something done at a set time, regularly but not every day, might solve the problem. Or it might not, in which case I'll drop it.
01 December 2015
December Daily Journal 1
I had some of the worst insomnia of my life last night. Either my sensory issues are getting worse, or my sleeping problems are. Since the latter is easier to treat, I'm starting there. Tonight I'll try taking melatonin in place of my usual Tylenol PM and see how that goes.
Needless to say, it was not a very productive day.
Needless to say, it was not a very productive day.
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